♥ Depressed
Sunday, March 16, 2008 @ 3/16/2008 01:52:00 AM
I didn't start my day well. although it's a saturday- suppose to be cheerful and happy cos it's weekend. I wasted my precious weekend being depressed and upset. wth. what a waste. Didn't enjoy it at all, and monday i have to go back to work already. so sad.
I guess we have somehow said abit of our feelings but not all yet. I've more to say, but i dunno why. i just can't open myself to him. I would rather and prefer keeping it to myself. No matter what, I always bear everything myself. Even my colleagues scold me for that, cos i always don't voice my views and opinions. And i would end up suffering on my own or one day i will have a sudden outburst of all my feelings. which will be even worse. I think it's very true.. cos i'm stuck in between. Sometimes i felt like saying everything once and for all, no matter what the outcome will be. But i'm too soft-hearted, so i'll keep it to myself, in the end i'll be the one suffering ON MY OWN. i feel so lonely lah. Like, i've got a huge burden and have to bear it myself.
I'm just sad that sometimes i've got no one to tell my problems to. not even him. cos for sure, the first thing that will come out from his mouth is telling me off, then get angry. lol. who in the hell would dare to share with him their problems, after experiencing these.
Probably i'm scared of him cos he's bigger size than me. which i also tot i can get security from, but somehow i'm wrong. How to get security from a guy who's night life is so happening and the girlfriend is fast asleep. sometimes i couldn't even get a proper slp cos of these. That's why my Mp3 has been keeping me company before i sleep. Then i'll sing till i fall aslp, cos i'd rather sing to slp than to cry to slp.
Last time I've a friend who keep telling me not to wet my pillow with my precious tears, and it'll also make my eyes swell. not worth it, no point also.
Went to Marc's birthday party today. we had lotsa fun playing pictionary. haa! It was really really fun. And, i'm quite good at guessing and drawing. haa. especially guessing! haa. We had a close and tough fight for the winner. but in the end, my group won cos i guessed it right!! YES! haa. I told myself i gotta enjoy myself, anyway, he is enjoying too. why should i deprive myself of enjoyment and fun right? He also asked me to enjoy myself what. so, i did! hee.
Tell me that I'm a cheerful girl. Remind me not to think of him. Keep my mind occupied so that time past faster that I don't have any time to think.
I wanna learn to be independent and learn not to always need you by my side, cos I know you're sick and tired of me and my nonsense. So if we aren't that close, you won't have to tolerate my bullcrap. I didn't mention anything, you're the one who bring that up. I can't reply you or cry, cos i'm in the car with my family. "What the fuck you talking?" - When someone says this to you, ain't he scolding vulgarities at you? I'm confused. You can call me stupid or dumb. I admit I am, cos i lead myself to a situation of no-choice and no-turning-back. I'm too willful. A few days back, I even told myself that he love me so much. Hmm, come to think of it, I'd give it a second thought. I'm depressed that when i listen to songs, I would choose those that are somehow sad and would remind me of my situation and it somehow is similar. Off to bed; a new and hopefully a cheerful day awaits me. There are many things that I can do when I'm alone. Monday- Work Work Work! Jia you!Tuesday- Collect Mp3 stuffs & hopefully my salary. Visit grandma to take red packet and drink tonic soup that she will specially make for me:)Wednesday- Work Work Work! go go go!Thursday- Work Work Work! C'mon!Friday- OFF~ Will plan something to do. Hmm.. any idea?Saturday- Hope to do some shopping with my salary. HEE!Sings and listens to music till I fall asleep... goodnite:)
