♥ Depressed

Sunday, March 16, 2008 @ 3/16/2008 01:52:00 AM

I didn't start my day well. although it's a saturday- suppose to be cheerful and happy cos it's weekend. I wasted my precious weekend being depressed and upset. wth. what a waste. Didn't enjoy it at all, and monday i have to go back to work already. so sad.

I guess we have somehow said abit of our feelings but not all yet. I've more to say, but i dunno why. i just can't open myself to him. I would rather and prefer keeping it to myself. No matter what, I always bear everything myself. Even my colleagues scold me for that, cos i always don't voice my views and opinions. And i would end up suffering on my own or one day i will have a sudden outburst of all my feelings. which will be even worse. I think it's very true.. cos i'm stuck in between. Sometimes i felt like saying everything once and for all, no matter what the outcome will be. But i'm too soft-hearted, so i'll keep it to myself, in the end i'll be the one suffering ON MY OWN. i feel so lonely lah. Like, i've got a huge burden and have to bear it myself.

I'm just sad that sometimes i've got no one to tell my problems to. not even him. cos for sure, the first thing that will come out from his mouth is telling me off, then get angry. lol. who in the hell would dare to share with him their problems, after experiencing these.

Probably i'm scared of him cos he's bigger size than me. which i also tot i can get security from, but somehow i'm wrong. How to get security from a guy who's night life is so happening and the girlfriend is fast asleep. sometimes i couldn't even get a proper slp cos of these. That's why my Mp3 has been keeping me company before i sleep. Then i'll sing till i fall aslp, cos i'd rather sing to slp than to cry to slp.

Last time I've a friend who keep telling me not to wet my pillow with my precious tears, and it'll also make my eyes swell. not worth it, no point also.

Went to Marc's birthday party today. we had lotsa fun playing pictionary. haa! It was really really fun. And, i'm quite good at guessing and drawing. haa. especially guessing! haa. We had a close and tough fight for the winner. but in the end, my group won cos i guessed it right!! YES! haa. I told myself i gotta enjoy myself, anyway, he is enjoying too. why should i deprive myself of enjoyment and fun right? He also asked me to enjoy myself what. so, i did! hee.

Tell me that I'm a cheerful girl. Remind me not to think of him. Keep my mind occupied so that time past faster that I don't have any time to think.

I wanna learn to be independent and learn not to always need you by my side, cos I know you're sick and tired of me and my nonsense. So if we aren't that close, you won't have to tolerate my bullcrap. I didn't mention anything, you're the one who bring that up. I can't reply you or cry, cos i'm in the car with my family.

"What the fuck you talking?" - When someone says this to you, ain't he scolding vulgarities at you? I'm confused. You can call me stupid or dumb. I admit I am, cos i lead myself to a situation of no-choice and no-turning-back.

I'm too willful. A few days back, I even told myself that he love me so much. Hmm, come to think of it, I'd give it a second thought. I'm depressed that when i listen to songs, I would choose those that are somehow sad and would remind me of my situation and it somehow is similar.

Off to bed; a new and hopefully a cheerful day awaits me. There are many things that I can do when I'm alone.
Monday- Work Work Work! Jia you!
Tuesday- Collect Mp3 stuffs & hopefully my salary. Visit grandma to take red packet and drink tonic soup that she will specially make for me:)
Wednesday- Work Work Work! go go go!
Thursday- Work Work Work! C'mon!
Friday- OFF~ Will plan something to do. Hmm.. any idea?
Saturday- Hope to do some shopping with my salary. HEE!

Sings and listens to music till I fall asleep... goodnite:)

♥ bored:(

Friday, March 14, 2008 @ 3/14/2008 09:13:00 PM

I'M BORED! didnt go to work today, thought we could meet up. But too bad.. he woke up SO late. sian. ARGH! my mood was totally dampen. forget it. i know the level of significance things are in his heart. i know how i am ranked as well. Whenever i take leave, thinking of spending time with him. it's always not appreciated and most of the time it will not turn out well. seriously, it's very disappointing. Sometimes i just wanna work throughout the week without any leave so i won't have to bother about plans to meet up. greater the expectation, greater the disppointment. Have time for other things, but when wanna meet me, suddenly very tired or got other things. there will definitely bound to have something. blame it on my bad luck? i don't wanna think anymore. spare me from all these, put me in your shoes.

Don't have anybody to talk to. i oso dun wish to talk to him all these. cos he always don't reply me and the next day...... as if nothing happens. HAHA! so funny! so what's the point of telling when i don't get any reply. LOL! might as well just keep to myself or blog it down. oh well, i always believe in this saying, "action speaks louder than words."

I just got ALOT of things to say. probably one entry isn't enough to totally say out what is in my heart. is it true that absence makes the heart grows fonder??? If that's the case, then i wouldn't wanna meet him for many many days! WAHAHAHA!!

I've put too much into it.
I've given too much.
It's too hard to move on smoothly.
It's too scarred.
It's too laid back.
It's taken for granted.

Cos you know i'll be there no matter what happens, no matter what went wrong and no matter what you do.. Your life is too happening for me. I can't take it. I'm just a simple girl, not pursuing all these fun.

Probably, we have different goals/ambitions in our own life.


Tomorrow is Marc's birthday. Hope i'll enjoy myself there. HAHA! He loves having fun, then i also have my fun!! I'll definitely make myself enjoy and happy at there. He can go play basketball or go out with his friends lor.. haa.


If everything can start again. I would prefer it to be simple and without any major scars. Tell me that I'll be fine. A life of nothing special and spectacular, just a possession of someone who is special to me but considered quite worthless to him.

Anyone willing to listen to me? I have much to say. Words are choking in my throat. It wants to come out, but no one will listen.

___________________________________________________

He told me his tired cos of all the late night stayouts. so i told him to stay at home and rest lor, no need to meet. In the end, he played ball and after that went to play mahjong. Wah, superman. Tired but still got the strength to play mahjong. lol. *bows* I'm going to silence myself from him. Enjoy all your late night stayouts then!! :) HEHE!

I clearly know how important. go and die lah, mag. don't even think of any importance. UNRANKED; to hell u go.

♥ 4years anniversary

Tuesday, March 11, 2008 @ 3/11/2008 03:32:00 AM

FOUR YEARS TOGETHER!

I remembered my Yoga teacher told me that the number "11" represents the pillar to infinity, which means there will be no end of time. lol. when i heard her say this, i went laughing in my heart. haa. cos so coincidentally our anniversary or month-versary is on 11th! HEE! And also, i remebered that we went to the Fountain of Wealth at Suntec and walked around it at the same time putting our hands in the water and made a wish. Surprisingly, we both wished for the same thing. We wished for everlasting love. :)

Minjie is always there to give me support and advice. Most importantly, he gave me his precious limited time. Cos i know he has lotsa trainings, matches, play-ball time and 3on3s, so whenever he has time for me, i'm really very happy. If not, i'll be sad at home doing nothing. Probably, i've sticked and depend on him alot already. that's why when i am not with him, i feel very bored. WE WILL TREASURE EACH OTHER.

Working at IT Fair was tiring. My legs were almost breaking! seriously! we had to stand for 12hrs for 4days consequetively. And we had to wake up early without not enough of rest. so sickening. But i had fun making friends there, they were all very friendly and humourous. Especially the guys. They're simply funny!! It seems like i'm only fated to make friends with guys. probably cos i can't tolerate those act cute girls who are not matured in their thinking.

At the IT Fair, i gave customers my numbers cos they are interested to buy and can look for me. then i gave quite a few out. AND NOW! I received a msg from this dunno which guy named BEN! At first he sent me those friendship msges, so i thought who was that, and i replied him in a very firm and strict voice that he was a little scared and kept saying sorry in every msg that he sent! It's SO IRRITATING! And he wanted me to sent my photo to him via mms. NUTCASE! At least if he got buy mp4 from me then i can at least entertain awhile then chuck him out. But i think he didnt buy lor, and still has to cheek to sms me. sms me for F*? so pissed off. Wanted to tell him, but he has no time. And i worked while he went to play ball and eat steamboat with his friends. moreover, it's our anniversary. better not let these ppl cock up our anniversary. wah lau, seriously, i don't even know his face lor. argh!

Had been working hard to earn some money to pamper myself at the end of the vacation cos new semester is starting. but i won't spend so much cos i need to save money and i oso won't need so much of casual clothes as i'll be going on attachment quite soon although it's around end of the year. lol. early planning will help me spread my cash wisely. haa! Working till i've no time to go online and update blog. haa. hmm.. working life is hard man. taxing on the legs and back, which are my weak parts. :'( hope my pay will come fast! haa.

Gotta slp now. Tmr going Swissotel Merchant Court for lunch buffet. We'll enjoy ourselves! haa. yeah yeah yeah! i love special occasions. haa. But after that dunno go where leh. we'll think again, mayb he have better ideas.

will update again!